A Bunch of Words

Split

There is a knock at my door. Well, there is a knock at what they call my door but this isn’t my house, this isn’t my room and that isn’t my door. But still they knock on that door for me because they know I am here. They know I am here because they put me here. No, they didn’t put me here, they locked me up here. They’ve imprisoned me when I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything I can remember. But still, they’ve locked me away inside this padded cell. But why?

There is another knock, but this time they open the door slightly to see if I’m awake. I am. I meet their eyes with a cold glare. I am sick of their coming and goings. I do not need help, why do they insist on sending a doctor? He cannot help me. No, I already have my own help. Why do I need theirs? Their doctor walks in through their door and shuts it.

“Kate?” He ventures. I glance away from him and start to rock myself on the floor where I am sitting. “Kate it’s me, Doctor-” he takes a step forward and I scream. He’s coming closer to me again. He’s going to hurt me. I retreat to the back corner of my so called room.

“Get away from me!” I tell him as I hide my head in my knees. I peek over the tops of them as I continue to scream at him, tears running down my face. “Don’t touch me. Please don’t touch me. I don’t want to be hurt,”

“Oh, you’re Violet today. I’m not going to hurt you Violet. I’ll never hurt you,” he says. I mean he lies, I think. I don’t know any more. I just know that he’s here and I don’t want him to be. And I’m here and I don’t want to be. And he has a needle; a needle he’ll use to hurt me. He lies! He will hurt me because they pay him too. Why though? Why hurt me? I didn’t mean to do anything. He looks at where I’m staring. His needle. That’s where I’m staring. Can he blame me? I think there must be horror in my eyes because he tries to tell me that it’s a medical needle.

“It won’t hurt you, it’ll help you,” he says.

“Help? Do I need help?” I relax my shoulders and legs. I glance up at him with wondering eyes. “Whatever would I need help for?”

“Because, Kate, you are not completely whole,” the doctor sighs. I can’t remember his name. I don’t know if I know his name. If I do I have surely forgotten it.

“What do you mean? Not completely whole? How can one be not whole?” I ask.

“One cannot be whole because they are split. They are-”

“Insane? Is that what you were going to say? Were you going to say that I’m insane?” I glare at him as I stand, my eyes narrowing as I look into his. He takes a step back but it’s too late. The look in his eyes said it all. He thinks I’m insane.

“No, Nicole. I do not think you are insane,” he lies again. This man is full of lies.

“You do! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I am not insane!” I scream at him. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. How can he know? Because he has a piece of paper saying he understands because he has graduated university. Bah! I can burn that paper, rip it, soak it, destroy it in numerous ways, and then what will he have? Nothing! No paper to say he understands when he does not. He lies! He cannot understand unless he has seen. Unless he has seen everything, but I cannot show him. I haven’t the power to show him the past. But I can tell him.

“So, I am insane because of what happened to me? Do you even know what happened to me? No, of cause you don’t. You weren’t there,” I pause. Maybe we shouldn’t tell him. He won’t believe us if we tell him. He’ll just believe what he thinks he knows. If we tell him he’ll use it against us.

“Shut up Violet! You don’t know what you’re saying.” Nicole yells. I sit back as I watch Nicole and Violet fight. Well, as I see Nicole corner Violet and yell at her. Violet has curled herself into a ball as usual. She’s been so scared ever since, ever since it happened.

“What happened?” The doctor asked me as I sat in the middle of the room. Had I said that out loud? Nicole had her fist raised and was holding Violet up by her shirt. It was ripped and torn just like her school skirt was. He black mascara ran down her face. She looked terrified, as always. Her black hair was messy and falling out of the pony tail. Nicole’s hair, on the other hand, was not tied back. Instead it was out and wild. It looked like fire, like the fire in her always angry face. It didn’t make much sense to me why they were so opposite. Why they were always fighting. Why the doctor wasn’t doing anything to stop them. I’m looking over at them and so is he. Can’t he see them? It doesn’t matter because they have stopped fighting to listen to me and see what I say.

“Kate, what happened to Violet?” he asked again. I can’t say it.

“I don’t really know what happened. Nothing bad happened I don’t think. She’s just always scared.”  I tell the doctor. He looks at me then his eyes grow wide.

“Kate, stay with me,” he tells me but it is too late. Nicole is already here. She is already stepping up to him, red hair flying, fire in her eyes still.

“Kate, the naive little Kate. No, you will not ask her! If you want to know what happened, you must ask me,” Nicole tells him straight. He has to know that she is the leader. She must protect us; all of us. I can see Violet slowly making her way over to us shaking her head. She doesn’t want Nicole to tell the doctor what happened. But Nicole doesn’t care.

“Little Kate thought the world was all fun and games. No one would get hurt, emotionally or physically. She was so naive. I had to wake up to protect her from that. I had too. I didn’t wake up in time to save her from her bullies but I will get my revenge on them!” Nicole tells the doctor. He stares at her in unbelief. He doesn’t know her like Violet and I do. Nicole will get her revenge somehow. The doctor stays silent as Nicole continues to tell our story.

“I did not wake up in time to save us from our so called boyfriend either. No, Violet woke up then. Silly girl. Scared little girl. Why did she wake up? All we need is me. Not her. Not Kate, just me. Me, Nicole! I don’t need them! I would have shown our lover what I thought of him. I would have killed him as I killed my parents when I woke up. What type of parents leave their children and threaten to take their life because they were raped. Raped by our boyfriend!” At this Violet let out a scream. Told Nicole to stop and when she did not, Violet held her knees and rocked herself.

“It wasn’t Kate’s fault. No but it was Violet’s if she was me she would have fought back. Not shrunk down and been scared. I am never scared! He should have died! I should have killed him for what he did to me, to us! But no, Violet woke up. I woke up when the last straw was pulled. How could my loving mother and father kick me out only to take me back a week later and offer me the knife to slit my own throat? When I did not, they gave me a gun, a rope, everything. In the end, my darling mother held the gun in her hand and my father walked out. She went to pull the trigger but I awoke. I saved Kate and Violet from death. I did what I had to do. I had to kill them to stay alive. But look where it got me? Here. In this darn padded cell. I have to get out!”

The doctor had made his way over to the door. Their door, that is. He knocked on it twice and they quickly opened it before Nicole could hit him. Nicole turned back to me and Violet. She glared at us as we heard the people talk outside their door, outside their room in their hallway, not mine.

“She’s having another fit.” The doctor said.

“Who is she today?” a lady asked.

“Nicole, Violet and Kate. She’s getting worse,” he said. Nicole’s glare at us stiffened and her face went red.

“Go back to sleep!” she told us.

“But I’m the original,” I ventured. Violet hugged herself tighter mumbling something under her breath. Nicole didn’t care. She was our unappointed leader.

“And I’m the new one,” she said. “Go to sleep!”

“No,” Violet spoke up, “we are all the new one. We are all Kate.”

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